10 Steps to a Better Night’s Sleep

On January 1, 2022December 31, 2021 By Motivate. Innovate. Relate.In family, Motivate, parenting, screen time, sleep, Special Needs1 Comment

I’m SO tired!

We have all been there. Three AM and you are staring at the ceiling. The fan spins and you try to count the repetitions. Sheep have been no help. Your brain swirls with the thoughts of the crazy that was your day and dread for the day to follow slowly seeps in.

Suddenly, the silence of the house is shattered by the bouncing bubbly kid in the room down the hall. Energy pours out of his room. Joy exuberates from him. He is excited to start his day…before the sun.

You groan as you turn over. You know today will be like yesterday and the day before that and the day before that. Why can’t this kid just sleep? By the time he is asleep, you finally get a bit of me-time. But me-time at midnight is never good. This needs to change. But how?

There is no debate on how badly poor sleep affects us. Poor sleep can hurt our hormones, performance, and brain function. It can cause weight gain and increase the risk of disease (1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7).

But, oh sweet, good sleep, can have incredibly good results. It can help you eat less, exercise better, have better response times, have more control of your emotions, and increase of thought process (2, 8, 9, 10).

With New Year’s upon us, perhaps now is a great time to take charge of our sleep to have better success with our other New Year’s Goals.

Speaking from experience, this is exhausting for you, your partner, and your children. Here are ten tips we used to help our son (and ourselves) get on a better sleep schedule.

Reduce blue light exposure during the evening: Blue light comes from our screens. We surround ourselves with blue light, especially before bed. Checking our social media before bed may sound relaxing, but the blue light stimulates us (along with the social media). So put a stop to screen time at least 30 minutes before bed. We try for an hour on school nights. No TV, no video games, no phone, no computer. Instead, use this time to relax and connect face to face with those you cherish the most. Click here for more tips on how to manage screen time.

Reduce naps during the day/length of naps: I LOVE naps! But, we limit naps. If we or our son takes a nap, it is usually on a weekend to allow a little breath before scheduled sleep. When our son was younger, he could take a nap for two hours or more. We quickly learned this was detrimental. Now, if he takes a nap, it is limited to 15-30 minutes. The best way to know you slept enough for a nap is to take your keys (or something else that makes sound) and hold them in your hands. When you have slept enough for a day nap, you will relax enough the keys will drop and wake you up. Perfectly refreshed for the remainder of the day without messing up your sleep that night.

Photo by Karolina Grabowska on Pexels.com

Start a pre-bedtime routine: If you have followed me even for a short time, you know how much I love routine. This is one of my favorite routines. This is great for executive functioning and calming down for sleep. We use this simple routine in our house. After dinner, we brush our teeth, take a shower, and get in PJs. Then we do a meditation/prayer and story. This typically takes 30 minutes if done correctly. This routine acts as a mental trigger that the day is ending, and it is time for bed.

Go to bed at the same time every night and wake up at the same time: This one is hard. I admit. Especially as more people and commitments claim on your time. Find a time that allows the right amount of time for your child to get enough sleep. We kept an 8 PM bedtime for our son till he was a teenager. Then we increased it to 9 PM on weekdays and 10 PM on weekends (unless there was a game/dance/etc.) And let’s be honest, no good happens after 10 PM anyway. We also keep a routine wake-up time. Alarm clocks may be needed for the first few weeks to get the body used to it, but soon you will find you naturally wake up at the same time daily. This is important even on weekends. You might think sleeping in on weekends is good, but it can mess you up for the first few days of the week.

Optimize the bedroom: The room is a sanctuary. It should be a place where you feel safe and comfortable. The best sleep happens in comfortable rooms. Here are some things we use to help our family sleep:

No screens: There are no screens in our son’s bedroom. No computer. No phone. No TV. These produce light, sound, and are an easy distraction once the kid thinks Mom and Dad went to bed.
Blackout Curtains: These are lifesavers. Two houses we lived in had a streetlight that shone straight into our son’s room. These curtains helped block that light and create a boy cave for him. He knew when they were drawn, it was time for hibernation.
White Noise/Soft Wordless Music: We lived off a highway in Maryland for years. You often heard sirens and the like at odd hours of the night. We learned white noise and wordless music were great for helping our son sleep. Do kids share a room? No problem! Try this awesome tool in the child’s pillow and they can listen to their own sound without bothering their roommate.
Temperature: A room that is too hot or too cold is prohibitive to good sleep. The best sleep temperature is about 70° F (20° C). But the temperature is dependent on your preference. Test it out.

Don’t eat before bed: When you are having trouble sleeping, it is tempting to find yourself in the kitchen eating. We often go beyond the warm glass of milk and eat a bowl of cereal or ice cream. Not only is this bad for our waistlines, but it is also bad for our sleep. Your body uses sleep to restore muscles and systems. When we eat before bed, we tell our bodies to divert that energy to digestion. Save yourself and just say no. I find when I am tempted, a good cup of hot tea is perfect.

Relax before bed: Relaxing before bed helps me and my family fall asleep and stay in deeper sleep longer. Take a nice hot shower or bath, do some meditation or yoga (or both). Read an actual book. The blue light from a Kindle or iPad will be counterproductive. Need some entertainment? Do some art or adult coloring pages. Take up a new hobby. Sew. Crotchet. Knit. There is so much you can do that does not require a screen. Enjoy learning about you and your kids.

Photo by SHVETS production on Pexels.com

Rule out a sleep disorder: This one is so important – especially for those with special needs. Sleep disorders are real. Take the time. Talk to your doctor. Describe the sleep your child (or you) is getting. Do a sleep study. They are not scary and can be quite comfortable. This can be eye-opening. We learned a lot when we took our son for one. One eye-opening thing is how fast my son can hit REM. Once he shuts his eyes; he is practically in REM. This means he is being charged faster than the average human. Due to this, he needs slightly less sleep than other kids his age. Taking with our doctor (who happened to see my son fall asleep in a routine checkup once) was so helpful in starting our path to successful sleep.

Exercise regularly: It is New Year. You are thinking you will be at the gym five nights a week for an hour or two. Let’s get real. That is probably not true. But you should work out regularly. Take a walk after work and enjoy the outside world. Do a workout online or in your gym. Start the day with a workout. Just, do yourself a favor, and do not work out before bed. This will increase your adrenaline and prevent the natural melatonin from working.

Don’t drink liquids before bed: This is important especially for young ones working on potty training. This is a great model to use lifelong. Drinking too much before bed keeps us up or wakes us up at odd hours. Waking up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom can stimulate your brain enough to prevent you from being able to go back to sleep. Try to limit the liquids at least an hour before bed.

Wake Up Routine

BONUS: If all else fails, set rules for waking up the house. This is so important if you have a child like mine who literally needs less sleep. Here are some of the rules we incorporated that helped keep the rest of the house asleep and the house peaceful:

A time when to leave the room: If your child is waking between 3 AM and 6 AM, it might be helpful to get a visual clock and tell them when an appropriate time to leave the room and start the day is. This helps with the telling of time and teaches family values and compassion. Different children have different needs.
Give activities they can do: If toys are in their room, let them play. Books are a great way to keep them engaged and quiet. Books do so much more too! We also allow our son to use his electronic drum set, but he must use headphones.
Have a Coffee Rule: We have the One Cup of Coffee Rule. Even if we are awake, the quiet of the house must remain until the end of the first cup of coffee. This allows everyone to wake at their own pace and keep the house peaceful in the mornings.

We use these tips for our entire household. It has changed how we operate, how kind we are to each other, and helps create a productive environment throughout the day. These are by no means all the tips that can help you. I encourage you to try them. Use what works for you. Ditch what does not.

May this year be one full of rest, relaxation, and growth.

20 Ways to Enjoy the Holidays Across the World

On December 18, 2021December 4, 2021 By Motivate. Innovate. Relate.In christmas, family, Motivate, parenting, Special NeedsLeave a comment

I love Christmas. You cannot come to my home and not see Christmas in every room of the house (yes, even the bathrooms). But I also love culture. I got my master’s in political science with an emphasis on international relations. I love learning about other cultures and traditions. If you spend time at my house, it would be normal to watch documentaries on culture, anthropology, and archeology from all around the world.

Although I celebrate Christmas in the Christian way, I also like to see how the rest of the world celebrates. I like sharing this with my son, so he is more inclined to understand other people in the world and all the beauty they bring.

Toward this endeavor, we look at a different culture every week of the season and learn about their traditions, songs, stories, and food.

These are just some ways we have incorporated other cultures, traditions, and fun into celebrating the Christmas season.

Photo by Luisa Fernanda Bayona on Pexels.com

Christmas in China

Shen Dan Jieh (Holy Birth Festival): Families decorate their homes in evergreens, posters, and bright paper chains. The tree is decorated with flowers and red paper chains that symbolize happiness. Color is a big part of this celebration. We sometimes like to use the bright colored chains as our advent calendar to help count down to the big day.
Ta Chiu: This is a celebration of peace and renewal. The Chinese will make offerings to saints and read the names of everyone who lives in the area. We chose this time to find a non-profit to give to, give to our church, and remember those we love near and far.

Christmas in England

Christmas caroling is a big tradition here. People give carolers little treats (little fruit and nut pies are especially delicious). All the wrapping of presents, baking cookies, and hanging stockings happens Christmas Eve. This is one fun tradition we do. I wrap (my husband builds toys and things), and we watch Christmas movies with a nice cup of Egg Nog, wine, or spirit-filled fun drink.
Writing Letters to Father Christmas: English children write letters to Father Christmas then put them in the fire, so the wishes go up the chimney. We tweak this tradition by having a mailbox to Santa by the fireplace. Our son puts his letter in the box on Christmas Eve and Santa writes by Christmas morning.

Christmas in Ethiopia

Ganna: Ethiopians celebrate Christmas on January 7 as the Ethiopians follow the ancient Julian calendar. For Ganna, people fast and dress in white, usually a traditional shamma (a thin, white cotton wrap with brightly colored stripes across the ends). They attend church at 4 am. We incorporate this tradition by dressing up on Christmas Eve in our finest clothes.
The Ethiopians do not exchange gifts during Ganna. If a child receives a gift, it is a small gift of clothing. To incorporate this, we do Elf-ing with our son. We find a family that needs a bit of extra love, and secretly help make the season better for them with food and small gifts.

Christmas in France

Fasting: Christmas Day is a day of fasting and midnight mass. After mass, they come home and enjoy le Réveillon (nighttime feast). Growing up, I enjoyed attending the Christmas Eve midnight service. We move so much; it sometimes is hard to find one. So, we adopted my father’s tradition of bring coffee. and donuts to those security forces (local police) who have to work the holiday at midnight.
Christmas shows: Plays and puppet shows are popular entertainment (especially in Paris and Lyon). We always try to find a local production to watch (dance schools are great for this) to help get us in the spirit.

Christmas in Germany

Advent Calendars: There is something fun about counting down to Christmas. In Germany, they use an advent calendar where children open a little number flap to see the Christmas picture hidden there. We do this with pictures, sometimes tiny candies, and verses for the season.
Christmas Tree: The tradition of the Christmas tree started in Germany. Under the decorate tree, they arrange a manger scene. Instead of stockings by the fire, in some places children leave their shoes outside the front door filled with carrots and hay for St. Nicholas’ horses. We leave carrots and celery out for Santa with his cookies.

Christmas in Holland

The Letterbanket: This is a letter cake made in the shape of the family’s last name. Some families give a little “cupcake” version to every member. We do this, but instead of our cake in our initial, we bake one for Jesus.
Poems: During the gift giving, the giver also recites a poem written by the giver about the recipient. We love this. We decided to do this all year round by having a dedicated notebook to little notes and encouragements to each other to read and enjoy.

Christmas in Italy

The Italians use the manger scene in a lot of their decorations. We incorporate one in the center of the entertainment, so we are reminded of the true meaning of Christmas.
La Befana: Legend has it, La Befana was too busy cleaning house to help the Wise Men on their quest to find the King, so now she spends January 6 (Thee Kings Day) wandering through the air on her broomstick looking for the Christ Child on the eve of Epiphany leaving gifts and candy in the shoes of little children. We do not do this, but we do watch movies about La Befana in the original Italian for fun.

Christmas in Mexico

Las Posadas Buena Noche: Christmas Eve the children lead a procession to the church and place a figure of the Christ Child in the Nacimiento (nativity scene) and attend midnight mass. To incorporate this, we attend a city children’s parade.
Farolitos: This little tradition is when family members cut intricate designs in brown paper bags to make lanterns. Families then place candles inside the bags, and the lanterns are set alongside sidewalks, in windowsills, and on rooftops outdoor to illuminate the community with the Christmas spirit. My family lights the entire yard with lights. My son also makes additional decorations for the tree (or anywhere).

Christmas in Spain

Christmas Day Reunion: This is a day for families to come together and enjoy a great feast (having fasted Christmas Eve. As we cannot always travel for the holidays, we use this day to call, text, and zoo family across the world.
Urn of Fate: Names are written on cards and placed in a bowl. Then, two names are drawn at a time. Those two people will be friends to each other throughout the coming year. My large family does a similar thing via excel spreadsheet. Each name rotates so a new sibling gets to think about and take care of the other for Christmas the following year.

Christmas in Sweden

St. Lucia’s Day: Christmas really begins here on December 13 with St. Lucia’s Day. The Swede celebrate the patron saint of light. The oldest daughter will get up before dawn, dress as the “Queen of Lights,” and go from bedroom to bedroom serving coffee and treats to each member of the family. The younger children help. We like this tradition, but we serve each other cinnamon rolls and coffee after getting the house beautiful for celebration. We work as family helping with chores, making breakfast, and enjoying a slower morning.
The Jultometn and Julbokar: This tiny Christmas gnome comes on a sleigh drawn by the Christmas goat, Julbokar. In some families, a family friends dresses up in a red robe and wears a long beard to bring toys for children. In other families, gifts are left behind on the tree. After gifts are open, the families dance and sing around the tree. We incorporate this little tradition by leaving notes for our son throughout the season and singing and dancing is a part of our life, so we listen, sing and dance to Christmas carols.

Perhaps there is something here that you might do? May want to try? Let me know.

10 Practical Steps to Changing a Selfish Attitude to a Serving Attitude

On December 4, 2021December 4, 2021 By Motivate. Innovate. Relate.In christmas, family, gratitude, Motivate, parenting, Special Needs1 Comment

It is that time of year again. The snow is blowing. The lights are glowing. The turkey is on the table. And the toy catalogs have found their way into everyone’s mailbox (like it or not).

It is the time of year when our “perfect angles” remind us just how perfect they have been. When they do extra chores or are extra nice to siblings so they can remind us just why they “deserve” that special toy or one more present over than last year, or (you fill in the blank).

As the years pass, it seems the “need” for stuff grows like ivy – clinging to the hearts and minds of our dear little ones (and if we are honest, sometimes ourselves). So how do we stop this selfish weed from growing in our homes and slowly, silently, destroying everything our dear ones worked toward all year round?

The answer is simple: giving. Here are four easy ways to get back Christmas with a focus on giving. Give of our time. Give of our attention. Give of our resources. Turn the focus of the home from inward to outward.

But, how do we do that in this media-influenced, one-click purchase, instant gratification world? But maybe, giving is not the problem. Maybe it is a matter of the heart. Here are 12 ways we try to shift our focus year-round (but especially around the holidays).

Find the ones who need a bit more attention and point out the great things they do.

1. Give Attention: There are so many people in our lives that need an extra touch of love. Take time to notice them. Greet them and see how their day is. For those in middle and high school, take an extra two minutes to hang out with that “strange” kid or the kid at the lunch table all by himself. Chances are those are the kids whose stockings will be empty and/or there will be an extra seat missing at the Christmas dinner.

2. Check in on friends and family: We love writing to our extended family using snail mail. There is something nice about receiving a card, letter, or extra something in the mail from a loved one. My son has taken it next level and will include mini-comic books he created or add in recipes he thinks the other person will enjoy. This takes less than 30 minutes and brings delight and joy to all involved.

3. Practice Gratitude: If you have been following me long, you know I really believe in practicing gratitude. This past year I chose to take things even further to make this a daily practice. I have shifted my weekly calendar to reflect not the appointments I have or the deadlines I need to make, but what I am grateful. This shift has been so helpful during deployment and moving to keep me grounded and less stressed out. Here is resource I created to help my son do the same thing (though now he uses his school planner as well). It has been so rewarding to see the year in review (a great idea for New Year’s too).

family-weekly-calendar Download

Credit: Dressember Foundation (https://www.dressember.org/howitworks)

4. Donate to organizations around you: Organizations that help others are often strapped for cash (especially during the holidays when more needs arise). Donating to an organization is a fantastic way to not just spread the wealth, but to open the door to talking with your children about why there are needs, how your kids can avoid being in situations that need the extra help, and why you chose that organization.

This year, I have joined the Dressember Thrive with Dressember Team to help support human trafficking prevention, intervention, and survivor empowerment programs around the world. Having lived in the highest human trafficking areas in America (Los Angeles/Huntington Beach, CA; Greater Washington DC area, pan-handle Florida), and spending all of college and graduate school campaigning for awareness and change in this topic, it has served as a great way for me to help teach my son about stranger-danger, what to look for, and how to report it

Forgive. Bring healing.

5. Practice Forgiveness: The holidays bring about family. Family brings about questions into your life, you might not normally talk about. Family also tends to say and do things to and around you that you dislike. Although the holidays are a fantastic time for bonding, they can also break relationships. Instead of building walls or hanging on to the continued pain, use this time to forgive and let go. After all, the pain is only hurting you – not the one you are mad at.

Shine the spotlight on someone.

6. Shine a positive spotlight on others: No one likes to be at a family gathering where it is the “All About So-and-so Show.” Nor do they want to be in the spotlight of negative attention. For those parents with special needs, this can be a challenging time of year with routine changes and high sensory impact. Instead of using this time to remark on how displeased, you are with how people act around you or children, or to complain about how they did not think about how to incorporate your needs more, take time to spotlight those around you.

Complement the chef if you are not the one cooking. Even if you do not like the food. Afterall, they spent all day cooking.
Give a shout out to the host or the in-law watching all the kids so the siblings can catch up.
Point out what a great idea someone had for a game or activity (and then let yourself enjoy it).

Compromise is always possible.

7. Compromise: I am the middle of seven children. You can imagine how difficult holidays can be when you are coordinating all seven children, their spouses, and the next generation. It may be time to compromise. Instead of doing gifts for everyone, just a family. Or instead of opening presents first thing in the morning on Christmas Day, you wait until December 26 or December 27 (we even opened on New Year’s Eve one year). Being willing can make the holidays sweeter in ways you never thought possible.

Road rage: Jesus give me strength

8. Watch the road rage: I have lived in the worst traffic places in America (405 and 101 intersection in CA, Baltimore/Annapolis, and the Indi-85 in Florida). It is so easy to get angry quickly in your car when no one will let you in to merge, or they are slow to start moving when a light turns green or, Heaven forbid, they are driving the speed limit. When you find yourself in this situation, remind yourself the extra two seconds will not change if you hit the next light or not and the other driver may be heading to the hospital in a hurry or coming from a funeral. You do not know what is happening in that car.

Donate time, money, stuff, or expertise

9. Donate your time: For some, money is tight. That means giving to local organizations seems like a burden. So, for those where money is tight, take time to help a local organization. This is a wonderful way to show kids firsthand what your time can do. Help Habitat for Humanity build a house. Serve a meal at a homeless shelter. Carole at the hospital or senior citizens center. Small tasks can make an enormous impact. Not sure you want to get completly engulfed in a project? Find an organization you really care about and ask how you can

Donate your time.
Donate your stuff (and make room for all the new stuff on Christmas).
Donate your expertise. It is amazing how many non-profits need editors, writers, tech savvy help.

Start small, end big.

10. Start small: The best of the holidays, for me, are the small traditions. If you are having trouble getting into the spirt, start small. See the city Christmas Tree lighting. Enjoy the local dance school recital. Have a cup of hot chocolate (and spring for marshmallows) with the kids. It is in the small things that memories are made.

I would love to hear how you enjoy your holiday season with the kiddos. Let me know your favoirte way to make the season all the brighter.

For more on how to enjoy the holidays, check out my Facebook page.

14 Steps to Thriving at an Individualized Education Plan (IEP) Meeting

On October 6, 2020October 3, 2020 By Motivate. Innovate. Relate.In Autism, IEP, Motivate, parenting, school, Sensory Needs, Special NeedsLeave a comment

It is October. That time of year where days get shorter, nights get longer, and we are all a bit more aware of what goes bump in the night.

October was also the time of year my family would go through the Individualized Education Plan (IEP) process. It was always a stressful, and sometimes scary part of our month. As we focus on things that are scary this month in the lives of of our kiddos, we are going to tackle how to be successful at this.

IEPs can either be a Godsend or the worse hour(s) of your life that year. We have been through both. High Roads School in Maryland is excellent! California and Florida, we had some significant struggles. We have had successes and failures.

Background: IEP’s are designed to make the learning experience beneficial to all students. After all, we are different children with different needs. A team of administrators, teachers, specialists, and parents work collaboratively to help the child succeed academically. When it works, it is a phenomenal process.

Problem: IEP meetings seldom work collaboratively and, for a parent unaware of the bureaucracy of the district can be very overwhelming and frustrating.

How do we survive these necessary yearly meetings, while ensuring our children thrive? Here is what I have learned having done IEPs in three different states across America.

1. Track Progress: If you have been following me, you know I believe in data collection and how it can be beneficial to us in all areas of our lives. In regards to behavior, this has been essential to us understanding our son’s behavior and what effects it. We track his progress socially, behaviorally, and academically. Journaling, goal setting, progress reports, report cards, all help a parent understand the multiple levels of a child a better. This is essential to know how to help your child in the school system.

Progress: know where you have been to know where you are going

2. Review progress reports: It is really easy to lose track of progress reports in the chaos of what comes home (or emailed from school). But progress reports are a great way to see what your child likes, doesn’t like, struggles with, or excels at. We need to know where we have been to know where we are going. This is a vital tool for preparing for you IEP. This is also a great way to stay in touch with teachers throughout the year.

Do your research

3. Research IEP Goals: Typically, a month to three weeks prior to a scheduled IEP, I research IEP goals. This is easily done using a Google search of “sample IEP reading goals” or “sample IEP math goals.” Do this for each subject. I cut/paste the ones I think my kid will enjoy and have success with.

Set realistic goals

4. Be realistic: Select realistic goals. You cannot set realistic goals without the above steps completed. More importantly, you need to choose goals that can be accomplished in the timeframe provided, while leaving room to grow. Have faith in the child to meet expectations and goals. Children are resilient and can do way more than we think they are capable of.

Communication is Key

5. Prep teachers/communicate early: Teachers are a strong voice in the meeting because they spend a lot of time with the child. Don’t wait for an IEP to communicate your concerns, joys, and goals. They will be more likely to advocate for the child if they believe the parents are working on the same team and not against them. The education team will likely meet a week or two prior to your scheduled meeting. Give the teacher your views and goals. This will help incorporate your ideas prior to the meeting scheduled (and save you time in the long run). I usually explain this in person and then do a follow-up email to the teacher.

Social skills are life skills

6. Include social goals: This is really easy to forget when you are surrounded by teachers and administrators who want to focus on academics only. But school is more than just academics. Social goals are essential to classroom management, lunch, recess, PE, games, turn-taking, and so much more. Include social goals in the IEP and see how much your child grows both academically and as an individual.

Get a draft copy

7. Get rough draft: Most districts will send a rough draft of their meeting home in order to streamline the meeting with the parents. Go through this with a fine-tooth comb. I used a highlighter system to show what I agreed with and what I did not. I also tabbed the pages I wanted a further discussion on. Most IEPs are lengthy, so this made it quick to refer to things for discussion and help ensure the meeting focused on the more important issues. I also make changes.

Return the revised draft

8. Return revised draft with your changes/edits: Return the changes you made in writing to both the teacher and school prior to the scheduled meeting. This will ensure the school has time to make the needed changes, or prepare for why they disagree.

Doctors and therapists understand how your child physically operates in all aspects of life

9. Bring any medical information that supports your views: If you have a doctor’s evaluation, therapy notes, and recommendations, etc. bring them with you. Make sure those evaluations address academic recommendations. Some districts do not look at medical information when determining goals because they are not academic. However, almost all those specialists, are qualified to address academic goals and likely know how to help your child the most.

Sometimes it takes an advocate to move things forward

10. Bring and be an advocate: You know your child the best. You are their best advocate. Don’t be afraid to be their advocate. The school is not always right. Just because they are professionals, does not make them a professional regarding your child. If you disagree with a plan or part of the plan, you have the legal right as the parent to address that. If the school does not agree with your plan (which happens a lot), it is ok to take it up to the district level. If you do not feel you can be an advocate, invite an advocate with you who is willing to step out and address your concerns.

Take notes

11. Take notes: During the meeting, it is essential to take your own notes. Multiple times things discussed to be included in the IEP were conveniently left out and official meeting minutes did not reflect the discussion. Keep your own written record of minutes. This will be essential as the school year goes on.

Know your rights. Be empowered.

12. Know your rights: Contrary to what most parents think, the school is not the final authority on an IEP. Parents have significant rights. You can request a meeting whenever you wish. You can join a meeting via phone/zoom. You can invite anyone you wish to the meeting. You have the right to agree or decline the school evaluating your child for services. In some areas, you have the right to a private education paid for by the district. You have the right to request an evaluation for services (due this prior to requesting the service and save yourself a headache). You have the right to ensure the goals and assessments are measurable. You have these rights and more. Know them and be empowered.

Do everything in writing

13. Do everything in writing: All requests for IEP’s and evaluations need to be done in writing. Any time you have questions, do it in writing. Any time you disagree with how things are being done, do so in writing. Email is excellent for date and time stamps. We also time-stamped and date all mailed and a student brought home correspondence. This has saved us in multiple instances. Legally and inter-personally this will help in preventing issues, miscommunication, and problems as the school year continue.

Keep copies of everything

14. Keep copies of everything: This is essential. We once had a school who was supposed to do speech therapy with our son pull the page out of his folder in order to state they did not have to provide services. We luckily had a copy of the signed IEP on hand and were able to inform them of both their breach in contract and the following needed changes in order to avoid further issues. Every email and mail correspondence needs to be maintained.

IEP’s do not have to be scary. They do take time, but ultimately, they can lead to some amazing growth in your child and in your community.

For more ideas on how to help with IEPs, take a look at my Facebook page.

6 Simple Steps to Partnership Parenting

On September 8, 2020September 12, 2020 By Motivate. Innovate. Relate.In Autism, Motivate, parenting, Special Needs2 Comments

September is a magical time in our house. The leaves are changing. The temperatures are cooling. The sweaters and warm blankets come out. Apple, cinnamon, and pumpkin scents are everywhere you go.

September is also a magical month because it is my wedding anniversary.

The couple from UP get married.

As I ponder our marriage this month, I am so grateful for my husband. The partnership we have grown together. The father and mentor my husband is to our son. The way he knows how and when to be our family rock and jester. We are truly blessed by him.

In this spirit, I thought I would address some of the many times I have been told parenting is a one-person job. The numerous times I have been told, “My significant other doesn’t help with the kids,” or “it is just easier for me to do it all then get my spouse involved.”

I understand this mentality. It is really easy for one parent to take on all the responsibility of school, playdates, doctor appointments, therapies, homework, extracurriculars, etc. This is especially easy if one is working and the other stays at home or both are working, but one has more work flexibility.

I remember one of our son’s medical team once sat us down (one or two years into our marriage), and said, “You know, people with special needs children divorce at 80% more than parents without.” That was a scary number! So, we became even more intentional with our marriage and parenting to avoid this.

I appreciate the difficulties of raising a child, especially one with special needs, I find this mentality of a single parent responsible for children’s development to be limiting, exhausting, and disrespectful.

You chose your partner, yes partner, because of the many good (and sometimes bad) qualities they have. When you said, “I do” it was not just for a day, a week, or a year. You chose to take that person in sickness, health, richer, poorer, good, bad, and (honestly) sometimes ugly.

Marriage is a life partnership. It is a daily choice to walk through life as a team. And, trite as it might be, there is no “I” in “team.”

Partnering and working as a team: When one of us shines, all of us shine.

There is a reason two parents are ideal for raising children. Both have different roles to play. For example, I am not going to have “The Talk” with my son if my husband can do it. My hubby isn’t going to take his little girl bra shopping – that is on me. However, although we have different roles, those roles work in tandem with each other not against.

So, how do you make raising these awesome kiddos a team sport? How do help your significant other become a player and not a spectator? Here are six rules we live by in my house.

Be on the same page. We are vibing.

1) Be on the same page: If you are trying to implement a new routine, discipline, or change in the home, it means nothing if the parents in the home are not consistent with each other. Dad cannot say no to something only to have Mom say yes two seconds later. If a parent implements discipline, both parents have to support it.

Don’t argue discipline in front of kids. We disagree on how to discipline like any couple. Whichever parent implemented the discipline is supported by the other. Take the discussion behind closed doors. After discussing, sometimes nothing changes. Sometimes the discipline is modified. Regardless, discipline happens and a clear discussion of why there was a change (if any) is presented. We discuss it as a unified front and implement the consequence as a team.

Divide and conquer

2) Divide and conquer: A family is multiple people with different personalities, needs, likes, and routines all operating under the same roof. The household is a mini economy and city (things break and need fixing, services need to be rendered, and relationships built). In a home with special needs, in addition to the traditional routines of school, playdates, sports, and extracurriculars, there are doctors, specialists, therapies all need to be addressed. It can be overwhelming.

Both parents need to know these routines, doctors, therapists, teachers, and be able to jump in and do it at the drop of a hat. Divide responsibility. I have a more flexible schedule working from home, so I do school, therapies, and playdates. My husband takes care of meals, all outside yard work, fixing EVERYTHING that breaks (cars, garbage disposal, washing machine, etc.). My son takes care of dishes, his room, bathroom, and feeding the animals. We all fill in the gaps. We work as a team. No one person on the team is more important than the other.

Substitute team member

3) Fill the Void: We are a military family and my work occasionally requires me to travel. Sometimes one of our team is MIA due to work obligations for days, weeks, months at a time. When this happens, it is important to know how to fill that void. When I leave, my husband has a schedule for our son, where to go, doctor’s names, etc. When he leaves, I know he has taught me to fix somethings and where I should go if I cannot. He also has ensured I have the tools I need for all the tasks he does in tip-top form and ready for use (he made sure I know how to use them too!) While he is home, he will often take me aside to teach me something – like how to change my oil in the car. We are all responsible for filling the void when there is one.

Friends Pheobee: So much fun!

4) Invest in the fun: My husband is great at having fun, acting like a goof, and making everyone smile and feel comfortable. I am more serious by nature. For the first few years of our marriage, it seemed like one of us had to be the serious one and the other the fun one. But that is not so. In fact, it was detrimental to our kiddo. He learned I was the one to go to for school, clothes, and chores, while he went to Dad for anything else. It caused a divide in the relationship with our son that took time to mend. Having fun is SO important. Find something fun to do with your child (even on hard days). We do LEGO, art, science kits, dance parties, karaoke, you name it. If your child finds it fun (even if you don’t), join in, plan some time for this, and enjoy it. This will be the foundation for a healthy relationship in those teen years and beyond.

Grumpy Old Men arguing

5) Argue: This sounds counterintuitive, but it is so important. Remember two become one. That means two completely separate people with their own likes, dislikes, thoughts, and opinions come together to become one unit. Simply because you said, “I do,” does not mean you magically agree on everything and life is perfect, happily ever after. No. To become is a process – a series of actions or steps taken in order to achieve a particular end. Arguing is part of the process. It is ok to argue in front of your children. I think this is particularly important for those kids who have a hard time processing social cues.

Arguing is life. You argue with your spouse, siblings, classmates, friends….pretty much everyone at some point. Knowing how to argue in a constructive way is essential to social success. To not show your child you disagree with each other does them a disservice both socially and, eventually, as they view marriage (more to come on arguing this month).

Lady and the Tramp Date

6) Date each other: This is a particularly hard one for any marriage with children. It is particularly difficult for marriages with special needs. Babysitters are hard to come by. It may feel like there is never going to be a date in your marriage again. I tell you from experience, that just isn’t so. If possible, find someone who will watch you kid while they sleep. Or get creative with date nights at home (movies by a fire, game night, wine or beer tastings, craft projects). If you can and qualify, look into your local Respite Care providers. Respite care is short-term relief for primary caregivers. It can be arranged for just an afternoon or for several days or weeks. Care can be provided at home, in a healthcare facility, or at an adult day center.

Marriage is not easy. But partnering in it should be. Let me know what steps you use to keep your marriage fresh, healthy, and growing daily.

Some Where Over The Rainboots

Category: parenting

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