7 Steps to Preventing Divorce Before It Starts

Marriage is a messy process.  Hollywood would have us believe marriage is happily ever after all the time.

“We grew apart.” “We just wanted different things.” “We had irreconcilable differences.” 

All of these things are often the reason for divorce. When they are simply saying the same thing – “We just didn’t invest in our marriage anymore; divorce was easier.”

Marriage is a choice.  Daily.  You must choose to love your spouse daily.  Choose to put their needs above your own daily.  Choose to see the good in them daily.  Choose to work as a team daily.

There is a reason weddings have vows and licenses are needed for marriage.  It is a heavy undertaking. 

Once the “honeymoon” has worn off (and it will), and life really sets in (death in the family, sickness, special needs, pandemics), that is exactly when the marriage starts.

It is easy to “love” when people agree with you and life is going your way.  It is a lot harder to love when you have been months out of work, or your spouse travels for work a lot, or your kids’ doctor’s appointments are never-ending and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

So how do you save your marriage before it fails?

1.       Avoid parenting your partner: I think this is harder for wives sometimes.  Often the comment about kids includes their spouse.  When we parent our partner, we are saying we don’t trust them as peers.  We actually disrespect them as adult humans.  We create a separation between us.  Instead, partner parent and see how that deepens your marriage.

2.       Embrace differences: Remember when you were dating and you just loved how different your partner was?  Being equally yoked is more than just a faith expression.  A yoke was used to pair animals together to work together toward a common goal.  It keeps animals moving in the same direction.  But, it only works well if you pair the right animals together.  A physically strong animal with a mentally strong animal is a great combination.  Marriage is no different.  You have been yoked together.  Where I am weak, my husband is strong and vice versa.  We pair well because we are different.  Embrace this especially in the hard times (like when one wants to grieve a diagnosis and the other pushes forward or one is fighting post-partum and the other fights PTSD).  

3.       Be proactive: Don’t let resentment build. I have so many people talk to me about how their partner doesn’t help parent, or clean, or spends too much time in front of the video game and not with their child.  But, these same people do not express that to their partner – the person who needs to hear it the most. Ask for help sooner.  If the laundry is becoming an issue, ask for help.  If mopping is your downfall, ask for help.  If you have to reschedule or re-order your schedule, ask for help.  The point of marriage is to have a  help-partner for life.  When we stop being helpmates and instead, become roommates, we invite separation and seeds of divorce to be planted.  

4.       Argue and Debate:  Hollywood has ingrained in western society that arguing is wrong and harmful to a romantic relationship.  Hollywood is stupid. Healthy arguing leads to creative solutions and stronger bonds.  I don’t recommend daily arguing, or insulting, or physically arguing, but a healthy argument and debate can lead to a deeper understanding of your partner, stronger family bonds, and some incredible solutions. Two different people are becoming one unit.  Change takes works, time, and is painful.  The orange tree doesn’t start with fruit.  It must stretch and go through growing pains, fight off insects and strong powerful winds, and more before it has a single fruit.  A good harvest is still years off at this point.  Marriage is no different.  Work. Argue. Learn. Grow.

5.       Get creative when it comes to romance: My husband and I have been on a handful of dinner and movie dates in the past six years.  We have a weekly date night.  It is easy to get comfortable and complacent in your date life.  Don’t.  Be creative.  Think about the other person. Take turns planning it.  Enjoy being silly or dressing up or just playing a game.  Dates do not have to be dinner and a movie.  Sitting in front of a movie where you can’t talk with your partner surrounded by a bunch of strangers is the farthest thing from a great date in my mind.  I much prefer creating something together or playing a game.  Check out these ideas for some creative date nights that won’t break the budget.  

6.       Appreciate each other’s efforts:  Share responsibility.  Before we married, we discussed the division of duties.  I dislike yard work.  He dislikes laundry and mopping.  We simply divided the chores.  His domain is outside and mines inside.  He is an excellent cook and I am a great teacher.  He does dinner and I do homework.  It is about balance, an equal yoke.  No one should feel they have all the responsibility all the time.  Remember, they are doing work and investing.  Thank them.  A “thank you, you are appreciated and valued,” goes a long way.  Recognize the effort.  Give a thank you card, or surprise present for no reason, or simply send an “I appreciate it when…” text to your partner and see how your marriage strengthens.  The Love Dare is full of great ideas and resources for this to become a regular practice in your marriage.

7.       Sleep: Sleep is hard to come by the older you get.  The lack of sleep leads to irritability, memory issues, anxiety, lower immune system functions, and so many other effects. When I have not been sleeping well, it shows in how I treat my spouse more than anyone else.  Study after study, show the importance of sleep for our health.  This translates to the health of our marriage as well.  Don’t argue when tired.  Table it.  Don’t express frustration when tired.  Table it. Don’t let yourself become sleep deprived in the first place.  Talk about the quality and amount of sleep you are getting with your partner regularly.  This will help them better understand you and may lead to some insight into the reason – ultimately leading to solutions that help you, your marriage, and your family completely.

For more ideas on how to strengthen your marriage, take a look at my Facebook page.

COVID-19 and the Real World or How to Survive Social Distancing

Corona Virsu COVID-19 microscope hazmat

In case you have been living under a rock, COVID-19 is a real thing. More deaths than the average flu.  Towns are shut down.  Travel shut down. School shut down.   In just a few short weeks, the world has discovered the #introvertadvantage.

Fear is rampant.  Families separated.  Hospitals are overrun.  Is there any other story in the media today?

Kids are home, out of routine, lonely and increasingly scared.  Being a parent has taken on a new back-breaking load – how to keep your kids calm in the middle of this crazy storm.

Here are some tips on how to help your kids find peace and clarity in this colossal hurricane of COVID-19.

What our first home school schedule looked like

Keep a routine. Humans, by nature, thrive on routine.  From getting up and ready to going to bed at night, we operate through a routine.  Take out the most central part of a child’s day and you are set up for chaos.  School is not just a place to learn about math, science, and literature.  It is a place of friendship building, community development, and space.  Space from parents and siblings (in some cases).  So throughout this time, set a routine where school is apart of the day.  Include some breaks from each other.  Include some video telecalls to their friends and family.  And remember, this too shall pass.

My kiddo doing his part sending some love to the Senior Citizens

Find ways to help.  The community is only as strong as its weakest link.  There are many ways to help from home.  Remember, nonprofits and churches still operate their community funds.  They still need income to ensure the homeless have food, the low income can pay the electric bill (which just went up because people are home more), and safe places for an escape from the dangerous.  If you already give, keep giving.  If you don’t, I encourage you to start.  Want to be more hands-on, Neighbors Helping Neighbors is providing training on how to help neighbors safely.  Help the truck drivers with a meal (you are still getting deliveries, but their rest stops are closed).  Even the smallest act of kindness goes a long way.

The little one’s Sanctuary.

Have a sanctuary.  Refuge and safety are more important today than ever.  When people are crammed together, they have shorter tempers and we humans tend to get a bit crazy.  A small space you can call your own, escape to in the chaos of the house, that is simply yours is valuable when there is not a pandemic.  It is even more valuable now.  Ensure some sanctuary and calming time is a part of your schedule.  Outside on the back porch or inside a closet of the house…whatever works for you.

Emerald Coast Sunset

Get outside. Cabin Fever WILL set in and it is a REAL thing.  In 1918, the Influenza pandemic swept through the world much like COVID-19.  There were two ways to treat patients.  Inside and outside.  What a Boston, MA hospital discovered was a combination of fresh air, sunlight, scrupulous standards of hygiene, substantially reduced deaths among some patients and infections among medical staff.  So go outside.  Enjoy the sunshine.  Remember that the sky is blue and the sun is bright and the breeze feels so good on your skin. 

Being creative with #paintbynumber…I haven’t broken my need for lines and regulations yet. 🙂

Be creative and productive.  It is easy to think you are stuck within the cell that is now your home.  But you are in a world equipped with so much to be entertained in – without turning on your TV.  Plan an instrument?  Play it.  Have some paper laying around?  Write.  Legos?  Build.  Paint.  Color. Draw.  Or, for those social media addicts, get online and recite poetry, sing, dance, get goofy!  We all need a little happier.  Depression and loneliness are real things.  These get even worse in isolation.  So, enjoy being a goof for people to laugh at or sing a song for people to love.  It might be the one thing that saves a life.  If you are feeling suicidal or depressed, there is help.  Call the National Suicide line 1-800-273-8255 for help. 

The family that sweats together stays healthy together. Workout run (in safety gear). Quarter miles sprints!

Work Out. Chill Out.  Stress is high and endorphins are low.  Be sure you are fueling your body and your mind as we walk through this new “normal.”   30 minutes of cardio a day is great.  This can be easily accomplished by a walk outside (no neighbors necessary), a run on a treadmill if you have one, or numerous free workouts on YouTube and Amazon Prime.  Just search your favorite activity and you will be bombarded with choices from yoga to kickboxing and dance.  For those of you on Wii – don’t forget about Wii Fit.  There are so many options.  Have fun with it.  For a special challenge, join the 30 Day #5fitchallenge with #SOFLFit5 (Special Olympics Florida).  IT is a great way to hold yourself and your special kiddo accountable to maintaining a healthy lifestyle.

Use this time to be productive. Whether that means working on those summer abs, catching up on that reading list, finishing those household projects, or whatever, remember, your kids will follow your lead. So, whatever you do, remember this too shall pass.  We are more than conquerors.  We are the light.  Be the light.  Be love.  Choose joy.