7 Steps to Preventing Divorce Before It Starts

Marriage is a messy process.  Hollywood would have us believe marriage is happily ever after all the time.

“We grew apart.” “We just wanted different things.” “We had irreconcilable differences.” 

All of these things are often the reason for divorce. When they are simply saying the same thing – “We just didn’t invest in our marriage anymore; divorce was easier.”

Marriage is a choice.  Daily.  You must choose to love your spouse daily.  Choose to put their needs above your own daily.  Choose to see the good in them daily.  Choose to work as a team daily.

There is a reason weddings have vows and licenses are needed for marriage.  It is a heavy undertaking. 

Once the “honeymoon” has worn off (and it will), and life really sets in (death in the family, sickness, special needs, pandemics), that is exactly when the marriage starts.

It is easy to “love” when people agree with you and life is going your way.  It is a lot harder to love when you have been months out of work, or your spouse travels for work a lot, or your kids’ doctor’s appointments are never-ending and there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel.

So how do you save your marriage before it fails?

1.       Avoid parenting your partner: I think this is harder for wives sometimes.  Often the comment about kids includes their spouse.  When we parent our partner, we are saying we don’t trust them as peers.  We actually disrespect them as adult humans.  We create a separation between us.  Instead, partner parent and see how that deepens your marriage.

2.       Embrace differences: Remember when you were dating and you just loved how different your partner was?  Being equally yoked is more than just a faith expression.  A yoke was used to pair animals together to work together toward a common goal.  It keeps animals moving in the same direction.  But, it only works well if you pair the right animals together.  A physically strong animal with a mentally strong animal is a great combination.  Marriage is no different.  You have been yoked together.  Where I am weak, my husband is strong and vice versa.  We pair well because we are different.  Embrace this especially in the hard times (like when one wants to grieve a diagnosis and the other pushes forward or one is fighting post-partum and the other fights PTSD).  

3.       Be proactive: Don’t let resentment build. I have so many people talk to me about how their partner doesn’t help parent, or clean, or spends too much time in front of the video game and not with their child.  But, these same people do not express that to their partner – the person who needs to hear it the most. Ask for help sooner.  If the laundry is becoming an issue, ask for help.  If mopping is your downfall, ask for help.  If you have to reschedule or re-order your schedule, ask for help.  The point of marriage is to have a  help-partner for life.  When we stop being helpmates and instead, become roommates, we invite separation and seeds of divorce to be planted.  

4.       Argue and Debate:  Hollywood has ingrained in western society that arguing is wrong and harmful to a romantic relationship.  Hollywood is stupid. Healthy arguing leads to creative solutions and stronger bonds.  I don’t recommend daily arguing, or insulting, or physically arguing, but a healthy argument and debate can lead to a deeper understanding of your partner, stronger family bonds, and some incredible solutions. Two different people are becoming one unit.  Change takes works, time, and is painful.  The orange tree doesn’t start with fruit.  It must stretch and go through growing pains, fight off insects and strong powerful winds, and more before it has a single fruit.  A good harvest is still years off at this point.  Marriage is no different.  Work. Argue. Learn. Grow.

5.       Get creative when it comes to romance: My husband and I have been on a handful of dinner and movie dates in the past six years.  We have a weekly date night.  It is easy to get comfortable and complacent in your date life.  Don’t.  Be creative.  Think about the other person. Take turns planning it.  Enjoy being silly or dressing up or just playing a game.  Dates do not have to be dinner and a movie.  Sitting in front of a movie where you can’t talk with your partner surrounded by a bunch of strangers is the farthest thing from a great date in my mind.  I much prefer creating something together or playing a game.  Check out these ideas for some creative date nights that won’t break the budget.  

6.       Appreciate each other’s efforts:  Share responsibility.  Before we married, we discussed the division of duties.  I dislike yard work.  He dislikes laundry and mopping.  We simply divided the chores.  His domain is outside and mines inside.  He is an excellent cook and I am a great teacher.  He does dinner and I do homework.  It is about balance, an equal yoke.  No one should feel they have all the responsibility all the time.  Remember, they are doing work and investing.  Thank them.  A “thank you, you are appreciated and valued,” goes a long way.  Recognize the effort.  Give a thank you card, or surprise present for no reason, or simply send an “I appreciate it when…” text to your partner and see how your marriage strengthens.  The Love Dare is full of great ideas and resources for this to become a regular practice in your marriage.

7.       Sleep: Sleep is hard to come by the older you get.  The lack of sleep leads to irritability, memory issues, anxiety, lower immune system functions, and so many other effects. When I have not been sleeping well, it shows in how I treat my spouse more than anyone else.  Study after study, show the importance of sleep for our health.  This translates to the health of our marriage as well.  Don’t argue when tired.  Table it.  Don’t express frustration when tired.  Table it. Don’t let yourself become sleep deprived in the first place.  Talk about the quality and amount of sleep you are getting with your partner regularly.  This will help them better understand you and may lead to some insight into the reason – ultimately leading to solutions that help you, your marriage, and your family completely.

For more ideas on how to strengthen your marriage, take a look at my Facebook page.

Celebrate the Extraordinary: Moving into a New Normal

Neon Sign - Think About Things Differently
Neon Sign – Think About Things Differently

The phrase “Getting back to normal,” has been used a lot lately as we start to look forward to the end of #quaratine and #socialdistancing.  We can’t wait to sit next to that annoying coworker, drive a car, get coffee with a friend. 

As a parent in the special needs community, I hear a lot of people wishing for their child to be “normal.”  If only they could play ball with their boy or go to a dance recital with their little girl.  So many times, they start sentences with “If only…” or “I wish…”

We live in a generation where everything is instant.  We compare ourselves, our children, and our lives to the fake world broadcast on social media.  We use social media as a tool to measure “normal.” 

But we do a disservice to ourselves, our children, our communities when we use this measurement.  No one is normal.

I’ll say it again – NO ONE IS NORMAL.

Your spouse is not normal.  Your child is not normal.  You are not normal. 

Those who think you are normal – HAVE NOT MET YOU.

What #socialdistancing is teaching us is patience.  Patience with our family.  Patience with our community.  Patience with our governments.  #Socialdistancing is teaching us the value of time.  Time with family.  Time for self-growth.  Time for laughter.  Time for love.  #Socialdistancing is teaching us who we are – at our core when no one else is watching.  We are learning who we are without the world telling us who we should be.

So, instead of wishing for normal, why don’t we celebrate the EXTRAORDINARY and look forward to what can be an amazing new normal.

The four youngest in the family: May look the same, but very different personalities.

1.       Different Children with Different Needs: I have said it before, and will say it again.  Our children are different from any other child – even siblings.  What makes this world so special is the differences.  Different, by definition, means NOT normal.  Let’s celebrate these differences and not a world of cookie-cutter sameness. That world lacks depth, color, and beauty. That world will also never truly come to pass.  It is about time we realized and embraced that. 

Spencer overcomes his fear of heights!

2.       Overcoming challenges: We all have challenges in life. Every one of us has overcome something – sickness, depression, addiction, self-esteem.  That is a HUGE accomplishment.  We should celebrate that not dwell on the past of “normal” where we lived in those things.  Every kid has challenges – whether they are on the spectrum, have a special need, or are labeled “normal” or “neuro-typical” by the world.  Every kid is beautiful.   We should celebrate the bravery of facing those challenges.  Celebrate the hard work that goes into overcoming challenges.  Celebrate the stronger, more compassionate, more confident individual who comes out on the other side of those challenges.

Daddy son time - investing in the future. The men walk on a pathway through the woods in Gettysburg, PA.
Daddy son time – investing in the future. The men walk on a pathway through the woods in Gettysburg, PA.

3.       Craft a new normal: As the discussion of how to “return to normal” after #socialdistancing and #quarantine start, I encourage you to stop.  Stop thinking about returning.  Start thinking about the future.  Why would we want to return to world measured in likes, memes, and insincerity?  We have been offered an amazing opportunity to do radical change in our personal lives, our community, and the world.  Let us craft a new normal.  A normal of Love.  A normal of Compassion.  A normal of Encouragement.  Let us stop measuring normal and start celebrating the uniqueness, bravery and beautiful creature that is the individual in the mirror, sitting next to us, across from us, or passing by.

I know it is easy to crave “normal.”  We want to have a routine, to have a semblance of balance, to want what we know.  But humans have NEVER been called to accept the status quo.  We have never been called to be complacent.  We are mechanisms of change. 

Family of four walk the street
Family of four walk the street

We have been offered an unprecedented opportunity to cultivate incredible change for good. It is our responsibility to let go of the “old normal” and embrace the “new normal.”  Let us re-prioritize our life to honor this opportunity.  Celebrate the gift that has been so lavishly poured out upon us – time with family, getting back to basics, being real with each other and ourselves.  As we move forward to “new normal,”” I pray we keep this in mind and look forward to the incredible change for good in how we treat each other and ourselves.